American Elections 2016
by CheshireGrowl
Summary: Alfred's take on what's going on in these months before the upcoming election (okay, maybe a bit of my own frustration). All of the Trump bashing.
1. Chapter 1

**Trump Part 1**

Alfred wanted to bang his head against a wall until he broke through it.

He loved his people- he really did!- but sometimes, he was ready to "accidentally" press the metaphorical Red Button. The massive headaches Alfred got during any major event where his people had a choice to make would be the end of him. Especially during catastrophes like the upcoming election.

Usually, Alfred was really into the amount of freedom his citizens had, especially their freedom to vote. Getting a new President was always a pleasure (mostly for the laughs he would get upon the President's reaction to the revelation of the human personification of America), the debates were interesting, his people's commitment to him shown bright, and the challenges to priorities and world-views was healthy for everyone.

With this upcoming election, however, Alfred was ready to blow his top. Why? For one very obvious, short-fingered reason.

Donald Trump. Just the name was enough to piss Alfred off. The neo-Nazi asshat was running for President and _actually getting supporters._ What the hell was everyone thinking?! How could his people turn against each other like tha-

Civil War. Right…

But how could they be so blind to the absolute atrocity that was the inconsiderate, intolerant, inconsistent, ignorant, and-a-bunch-of-other-rude-words-that-are-nearly-synonymous-and-start-with-"I", douchebag that was Donald Trump?

Alfred expected more from his people than this narrow-minded bilgesnipe trash.

Honestly, it wasn't like Trump had been subtle with the blatant racism and sexism he almost constantly spewed; The dumbass's idea to build a wall between Alfred and Mexico _really_ agitated Alfred, who enjoyed the friendship he had with his neighbor; and he didn't even want to _think_ about the absolute impoverished _wasteland_ his economy would become if that unscrupulous snozzwanger came to control.

Plus the utter hypocrisy of deportation - actually, now that Alfred was thinking of hypocrisy, basically all of Trump's campaign was hypocritical - because, really, to _force someone seeking a better life in the place of refuge and freedom he, America, was supposed to be?_ Could there _be_ a stronger contradiction?

His citizens must have forgotten their ancestors were once in the same position as the immigrants they were currently trying to deport from his borders, forgotten that America was born from a few English ships that sailed across the ocean blue to establish colonies of religious freedom.

Now Alfred was getting nostalgic.

Seriously though, fuck Trump and his treatment of Alfred's precious cinnamon rolls for citizens. Alfred's people _mattered. ALL OF THEM._ Trump's egotistical flat ass could not, apparently, grasp that every soul was important and should be treated equally. Alfred should have expected that from the Single-Brain-Cell-That-Can-Walk.

Though Alfred understood the southern colloquialism, "you can't fix stupid," the utter idiocy of Donald Trump still made him want to bash a cartoon-ish, head shaped hole through a wall.

Well, at least he could console himself by stealing Trump Campaign signs. You can't arrest the United States of America, after all!

 **Omake**

Alfred had been in prison since noon.

It was now three o' clock and he was bored to death.

A nameless and faceless police officer strolled up to the cell Alfred was in and beckoned the country forward as he unlocked the door.

"Call for you."

Alfred eagerly rushed to the phone and began babbling before the receiver had reached his ear.

"HEY MR. PRESIDENT, I don't know what they told you but those signs totally are not campaign posters that I stole because let me tell you they ATTACKED me! Jumped right through my windows and wouldn't leave me alone until I locked them in my trunk and it may have looked like I was stealing that last one before I was arrested but I was just taking the poor, escaped signs home where they belonged even if there were about a hundred of them. Also when is my ride gonna be here because I'm don't know what I'll die of first: boredom or hunger. So, like, if you can send a driver with a burger that wou-"

"I'm not bailing you out Alfred."

…

"Sorry, dude. I didn't hear you right, haha. What was that?"

"I am not bailing you out, Alfre-"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT BAILING ME OUT? YOU CAN'T ARREST THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! THIS IS TREASON!"

"You're right, the police cannot arrest the United States of America. However, they _can_ arrest Alfred F. Jones. Consider this your punishment. Goodnight, Alfred. Oh, wait, one last thing: you should have said something to me about your plan. Joe and I changed the WiFi password to "ILoveMexicanWomen" in case Trump got in and would totally have been up for shutting down a few blocks of street cameras for you to grab some posters. That's what you get for dissing the Prez."

 _Click._

…

…..

….

" _Sheeeeeeeiiiit."_


	2. Chapter 2

**Trump Part 2**

Maybe beating his head against a wall to deal with stupidity wasn't the best action for Alfred to take. After all, it would only induce a bigger headache that would accompany the insane babbling of the Walking-Orange-Crayon.

All Alfred could do was sit and wonder- well, sit and brood- until a wall or a protest looked appealing enough.

Oh wait, both looked appealing already. He'd have to Google Trump protest locations after he was done brooding.

Though it might seem trivial to some, it wasn't just his economy Alfred was worried would go to shit if Trump won. His body, his land, would suffer, too. That was something Alfred couldn't let happen! A hero had to be handsome, after all (the fictional ones had to be, anyways).

With the biggest idiot since the Three Stooges running him, Alfred was sure he would be starved and sickly in no time. Trump endorsed fracking would decimate his residency and seriously screw up his skin. The thought of the sores Alfred would end up with was shudder inducing and the economy downfall would ensure he would have no problem looking like a decomposing corpse.

Demolishing or limiting the EPA was also a terrible decision for the health of his citizens. Why did that uneducated nuisance want to abolish environmental regulations? What did Trump think those laws were doing, limiting the rights of Alfred's people or something? Well, _excuse him_ for trying to save the lives of the most important part of his country. How could he _ever_ try to do such a _vile_ thing _._ It wasn't like they were more important than _money_ Trump would earn from their suffering.

He'd been hanging around Arthur too long recently to be using this much sarcasm.

He supposed the supporters of Trump didn't recognize that they hadn't contracted a severe disease due to illegal chemical waste dumping or other EPA prevented laws. If it wasn't there where they could see it happening to responsible, middle class Americans, then it didn't exist.

Most of the time, Alfred wanted to cuddle his precious citizens. But in times like these, he firmly believed a few could use a time out for not properly researching.

Other than his body, Alfred worried what Trump would do to his nation's relationship with other countries.

Already, the imperialistic jerk with a head of corn silk had insulted Pope Francis. Rude! Alfred really liked that dude! The bro had given him a hug when he visited. Like, how cool was that?

Mexico already thought Alfred was Satan incarnate. Trump clearly was not out to dissuade that notion.

Who knew what in the nine levels of hell the Sphincter-With-Eyes would do concerning the war in the Middle East. Trump's avocation of a war crime made Alfred want to fucking snipe the man. "Go after their families?" Alfred desperately wanted to hand the loathsome cockroach over to Russia to-

 _Oh, hell._ What of Trump insulted Russia? _OH. HELL._ One Cold War was enough for Alfred, thank you! He didn't even want to _think_ of the possibility of all out war with Russia, God help him.

And China- what would Trump do about the dept Alfred owed? Probably something stupid like- no. Trump wouldn't- couldn't. There is no way- _oh, hell._ Trump couldn't declare an entire country bankrupt- right?

Alfred was so screwed.

His body was so screwed- and not in the good way.

Foreign relations were so screwed.

 _Everything was so screwed._

 **Omake**

It was two in the morning and Alfred was scrolling through random Wikipedia pages on his desktop. He had no idea how he had gotten here, but he wasn't about to stop.

The next blue link in the text interested Alfred more than the page he was currently about to finish.

"Wind turbines? Hella." He muttered as he started reading.

After learning more than he would ever need to know about wind turbines, Alfred decided to check up on what his favorite scientist thought of wind powered electricity.

"Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill." He chanted softly to himself as he brought Google up in a new tab.

It was as he was typing in "windmill" that Google suggested "Donald Trump Windmills."

" _Oh no."_ Alfred thought as he immediately clicked the suggestion. Why did he have to satisfy his sick curiosity of what the useless paperclip of a person had to say about windmills?

The first link said something about Trump losing to windmills.

Twitter was the second link on the search page. He clicked.

" _Windmills are destroying ever country they touch- and the energy is unreliable and terrible."_

…

Alfred carefully moved his keyboard to the side.

 _Crack._

The desk cracked from the force he used to smash his head against it.

Alfred let his head rest there for a second before he sat up and glared at the profile picture on his computer screen.

"I curse you in the name of Bill Nye, Donald Trump. May science and scientists alike forever prove you more wrong than Galileo did the Catholic Church."

…

"And also, Bill Nye for President 2016."


End file.
